The God who sees.

This is one of those posts that I've been mentally writing for what seems like a sweet forever. Perhaps the primary reason for the delay is that when the subject matter revolves around Scripture I'm a little bit intimidated. Scratch that - a whole lot intimidated. Frankly, I believe that God's Word stands alone so if one is going to add commentary, the commentary should be glorifying and well, correct. You can see how ensuring quality control is intimidating for the girl who never went to Sunday school as a child. Like not ever. It should come as no surprise that I didn't have a bedtime either. [My family name was actually Pagan until a couple of generations ago.] I digress.

I love, love, love the story of Abraham. This is a very big story. Except it's not fiction or a fairytale so don't get confused by my use of the word story, please. There's a lot happening here. So much so that there are smaller stories within the bigger story, and it's one of those smaller stories that I've kept coming back to in recent weeks. In reality, it's not really small at all. It is the story of Hagar.

If I'm really honest with myself, I've got a whole lot of Sarai's (Sarah) personality in me. When I get frustrated with my current situation and feel that I've waited patiently for long enough, I tend to take matters into my own hands. [For those of you keeping score: Not once have I experienced long-term success when I've called the shots.] I don't know why Sarai thought it would be a good idea for her servant, Hagar, to give Abram the child she knew he so desired yet she couldn't give him, but women are fixers and this was what she resolved would be the solution. Not only are women fixers, we are also jealous so when Hagar became pregnant with Ishmael, the seemingly ideal solution began to quickly go south.

Also, if I'm really honest with myself, I've got a whole lot of Hagar's personality in me too. When the going gets tough, I tend to want to run. I don't really know where I'm headed, I just know that where I'm at isn't good so somewhere else has to be better. Clarification: I'm not literally running like Forrest Gump. I "run" by watching hours of mindless television or reading or blogging or wasting time or doing any and everything but what would be productive in such situations: praying and reading my Bible.

I can't really imagine what Hagar must have been feeling. Shunned. Lonely. Used. Fearful. Helpless. And then.

"The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert; ... And he said, 'Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?' 'I'm running away from my mistress, Sarai,' she answered. Then the angel of the Lord told her, 'Go back to your mistress and submit to her.'" (Genesis 16:7-9)

Say what, Angel of the Lord? Hagar is to not only go back to the person who mistreated her but then submit to her? That's a pretty tall order. But do you know who is taller? God.

"The angel of the Lord also said to her: 'You are now with child and will have a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the Lord has heard of your misery. He will be a wild donkey of a man; his hand will be against everyone and everyone's hand against him, and he will live in hostility toward all his brothers.'" (Genesis 16:11-12)

I realize that these verses don't really scream happy ending. Who wants to hear that her son will be a wild donkey of a man who is going to live in hostility? But embedded within the text in reference to the name of Ishmael, the angel states that the Lord heard Hagar's misery. God knew what Hagar was feeling. There was no need to speculate or try to imagine. Which leads me to the part of the story that has been rocking my little world these past couples of months...

"She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: 'You are the God who sees me,' for she said, 'I have now seen the One who sees me.'" (Genesis 16:13)

Y'all, for whatever reason that sentence shouts at me so I had to type it out in a big and bold manner.

As I've been mentally writing this post and reflecting upon this passage, my thoughts have somewhat shifted. Initially I thought about how absolutely incredible it is that there is a God who sees me all the time. Sure, that's convicting. It makes me think significantly about my attitude and how it needs an adjustment of epic proportions 98.2% of the time. Not only does God see me, but he looks at me. Not because he has to. But because he wants to. Even when I'm not really much to look at, he sees one of his children who he loves dearly. Hello, amazing grace. My only response to this knowledge and truth is to try to be better. Love others. Forgive easily. Be kind and generous. Live with a degree of transparency. I've come to learn that when I'm so concerned with what the world sees, they see anything but the real me. The more time I spend on the surface and putting up a good front, the interior, or my heart, begins to get pretty ugly. Whatever is on the inside will creep through to the surface eventually. If I'm so busy looking at myself, how will I see the others who are around me that I am called to love and forgive and extend kindness and generosity to?

Then a couple of weeks ago my thoughts shifted to the second part of Hagar's statement: "I have now seen the One..." The reality is that when something happens in my life and I wonder where in the world God is at, He's right there. He's not in hiding. It's just a matter of where I'm looking. Sometimes it's the past. Sometimes it's far into the future. Other times it's that I'm looking so intently at my own agenda I deliberately leave him out of the decision making process. I've always been a little hard headed. And I've never really been good at making eye contact.

This week my heart has been very heavy for multiple people who are suffering grief from losing a loved one, experiencing health crises, or are dealing with family and relationship problems. We live in a world of hurt and brokenness. Sometimes the hurt is a result of complete and total randomness and the only reason is that it just happens to be our turn. We were never promised an easy life. In fact, I believe that God spoke pretty clearly to Hagar that her role as mother to Ishmael wasn't going to be an easy one even after she obeyed his command to return and submit to Sarai. Other times our hurt results as a direct consequence of our lame brain actions. More often than not, right? Oh, that's just me. Well, never mind then.

I am so very thankful and humbled to know that God sees me in and through all circumstances. The God who sees us in our past, sees us in this very moment. He sees how our past and present is preparing us for our future. A future that is so uncertain to us, but so crystal clear to him. I love that the God who is big enough to see and orchestrate his grand plan is not too big to meet us in our circumstances. When Jesus wept, he was not weeping because Lazarus had died. He had already seen what the others who had gathered were about to see when Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb. He also knew that the resurrection of Lazarus was another necessary step leading him closer to his own death and resurrection. Yet in that moment he saw hurting and suffering people who were mourning a loss. And he hurt with them.