Some people paint. Others read. The really tech-savvy twitter [but not in public, I hope!]. I update my Facebook status. Primarily for no one's entertainment but my own. However this morning I was looking back over my last few status updates and became convinced that a couple of things are going to happen. 1. I will be referred to counseling. That's fine, I believe everyone could benefit from a few sessions. 2. I will be "unfriended" by those who tire of my frequent appearance in their news feeds. That's fine. My real friends are the ones I bought back in college anyway. I kid. Kind of.
Typically there is a story behind each and every one of my status updates and today, out of sheer lack of thought-provoking and insightful blog-worthy material, I'm going to share the stories behind the updates. (Brush your teeth and put the ambien away, people because here is your remedy to sleepless nights.)
Friday, 02.13.09: "Heather is convinced that her life is going to be chronicled in a very bad sitcom one day." - On Friday afternoon I finally broke down and did laundry. I'm a few dollars richer than I was the last time I did laundry...it's been that long. So I decide to load up 5 loads of laundry into one laundry basket and head on over to the apartment washers to get it done in one fell swoop. All is well until I have to drag the overflowing basket out of the backseat of my 2 door car. Laundry spills everywhere in my car. Behind me I hear a car drive up and someone ask "you need help with that?" [Who offers to help carry one's dirty clothes? Ewww.] Immediately I knew it could only be one person. I'll call him "Dko" because when he made me put his phone number in my phone last week, that's the abbreviation of his name that he provided for me. [insert eye roll here] I curtly reply with "nah, I got it." as I march off independently toward the laundry room. Well, as independently as a girl can march when she's loaded down with 4.5 loads of laundry. I almost made it the entire way without dropping anything until I dropped a couple of socks right before going inside. So I put the basket down, scurry back to get my belongings, all the while he's sitting in his convertible reading his mail (read: watching me). As I was throwing my clothes into the washer I could see him through the windows. Still there. Finally he left so I darted back to my car to get the rest of the clothes in my backseat. When I get to driver's side of my car, I'm horrified. Because there lying in the parking lot for the entire world (read: Dko) to see (thanks to Google earth) are my unmentionables. Hence the latest reason why I'm convinced that my life is going to be chronicled in a very bad sitcom one day.
Saturday, February 14, 2009: "Heather feels like the floorboard of a NYC taxi cab." - No, not because it was Valentine's Day and I spent my day reenacting the scene in Bridget Jones' Diary when she sat on the couch and played "All by Myself" over and over. Apparently during my slumber on Friday night the germs that I had been running from for weeks now caught up with me and I woke up with the crud. I think that phrase is a line from Ghostbusters. Or so I've been told. But that was years ago so please don't slime me if that's not the case.
Monday, February 16, 2009: "Heather has writer's block." - Not a good condition to have when there is a paper due in 26 hours.
Monday, February 16, 2009: "Heather wonders if it's inhumane to muzzle people." - Apparently there are some people in the world who feel it necessary to speak at a volume most appropriate for a professional sporting event or concert in the office. And it irks me beyond measure. So I tried to make a statement by loudly closing my office door (BECAUSE I HAVE A DOOR TO CLOSE NOW...HAPPY DAY!!!). The only statement made was my pants breaking in the process. Apparently I marched to my door a little too haughtily for my "grow as you go" expandable waistband pants from the GAP. Sigh. Fortunately I was able to get the pants back on track (literally).
Monday, February 16, 2009: "Heather would rather SWOT flies. Not organizations." - Just a little business humor in an attempt to overcome writer's block. Paper due in 19 hours.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009: "Heather directly blames grad school for all fine lines and wrinkles on her face." - It was 12:33 at night. I was cranky. (because I forgot to eat dinner) And sleepy. And thinking about the fact that I was still doing school work 2 weeks shy of turning 30. Which made me crankier. It had potential to be a vicious cycle until I comforted myself with a glass of chocolate milk like any sophisticated young woman on the brink of entering the best years of her life would do.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009: "Heather would rather be getting a root canal." - I've never had one, but it's got to be less painful than figuring out how to properly cite electronic sources in APA format after 2.5 hours of sleep.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009: "Heather is done!! Amen." - Paper completed with 6 hours to spare. Silly me to have even been stressed out about it in the first place.
4 comments:
Girl - you make my day - you are one of the funniest people ever...my favorite was the unmentionables in the parking lot followed by the google earth statement! Hope you have a great day!
You are hilarious! And, you didn't buy me as a friend, but I'm here anyway. If you'd like to give me some money, I'll take it. But---it's definitely not required for me to love you . . . or think that we may have been separated at birth.
congrats!! you're done. shew.
tee, hee. this was a fun read. and suddenly i'm wanting to join you for laundry. DKO seems creepy...hopefully he did not notice the unmentionables...
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