Milestones

I think that it is within our human nature to count days. As children, we count the days until summer vacation or until Christmas morning. Expectant parents count the days until the arrival of their child. And then 18 short years later, they count the days until they drop that same little baby off at college. Middle aged working folks count the days until retirement. Those of us who still have many working years ahead just count the days until the next weekend.

These are all milestones in a person's life. Many warrant celebration...others resignation. Some are bittersweet or sad while some are filled with pride and joy. They are mile markers in this little journey known as life and we often reference them when we are telling stories or just reflecting on certain stages of life. Some of these milestones hold more significance than others and the great thing about them is that they are so totally subjective depending on the person. Example: I remember that I got to shave my legs for the very first time on the-day-before-the-first-day-of-5th-grade. Insignificant? Definitely so in the grand scheme of things, but not to me as it marked a rite of passage into "grown-up world". Or so I thought. Silly me, now I know that it just opened the door to a never ending chore. But I'm not here to talk about the fact that I believe that electrolysis would solve a significant amount of my problems.

This weekend I am reaching another milestone: the first year without my daddy. They [whoever "they" are] say that it usually takes a full year to grieve a death. I'm certainly no expert because this is the first time I have ever had anyone very close to me pass away, but maybe there's some truth in that. I don't really know that the grieving ever really ends, it just changes. I'll let you know my opinion on that in the future. It's incredible for me to think that a whole year has passed and he hasn't been here with us. Especially when there have been significant milestones with each one of us throughout this very same year. There are some days when it still kind of dawns on me that he's really gone. It's not the days that you brace yourself for: Christmas, his birthday, even the one year mark. It's the ones that just sneak up on you when you least expect it: a random Tuesday night driving home from class and you hear one of his favorite songs on the radio, my birthday, when you're out and about running errands and happen to run into a man wearing overalls.

I can remember details from the day that he passed away so vividly. Little did I know at the time that remembering those details today would bring on a whole new type of grief that I never anticipated. Through the pain though, I am thankful that I can remember the details. One day I will be thankful for the details because as time continues to march on, it will be another way in which I can still feel close to him as we were with him during his last moments.

Today, I do not grieve for my daddy. The reason why I don't because he is much better off in Heaven than we are down here dealing with oil spills, wars, 82% relative humidity with temps in the 90's, and the fact that Kate Gosselin has been given yet another gig on television. I grieve for purely selfish reasons. I miss him. So do mom and the boys. I wanted him to be present at all of the other milestones that are still to be reached. He never missed a single event of mine during childhood, and it was never in the plan that he would miss the ones still to come. It is comforting to know that he never wanted to miss anything either. And really, he still will not even though he is no longer here with us physically. The people we love the most will never leave our hearts so he'll just be in mine as I continue on my way.