A Soapbox and The Shack

I'm finally back to share the riveting conclusion to my last post. ("Riveting" is used very loosely here.)

So, if you follow this blog regularly you might remember that in my last post I made the statement that one of my soapbox topics is "incredibly intelligent women who live with completely unrealistic expectations about how life should be or is going to be once _____ happens." Well the truth is, I've been one of them myself. Which is why it's uncomfortable for me to talk about this. Perhaps it's a little pretentious of me to classify myself as "incredibly intelligent" but considering that I'm a product of the state of Georgia public school system, there really is no other way to describe my intellect. Before I elaborate on how I've been a soapbox subject myself allow me to share a little history... (it's relevant, I promise)

I've never been the type of girl who felt it necessary to have a boyfriend at all times. That's not to say that I have always been the one who dictates my singleness (for lack of a better way to put it), but the thought of attending a wedding without a date doesn't cause me to automatically break out into hives or anything. There are some ladies in this world who live by the philosophy that dating anyone is better than dating no one, but not me. My grandmother tells me I'm too picky. My mama says I'm smart. I think I'm probably a little of both. I did reach a point in college though that I really struggled with being single. I'm pretty sure that at some point I was the only female student at North Georgia without a boyfriend. And even more unfair, some boys even had boyfriends! Of course I'm being dramatic when I say that I was the only one without a boyfriend, but there were days when it felt like that and I didn't like the feeling even a little bit. I determined that the reason for my singleness must certainly be because I had done something wrong in my life and I was being punished somehow so I started walking the straight and narrow a little straighter. This really was a great time in my life as far as my relationship with God and during this time I made some incredible friends as well.

Now I'm going to fast forward to about 4 years later. It was shortly after my whole life begins at 25 revelation so I was pretty high on life when he came long. By "he" I mean, him. You know, the him that every girl dreams of meeting. Guys have an equivalent named her. I took the approach of being cautiously optimistic in the beginning, but after a couple of months, I was smitten. There was a pretty major hurdle in the coming future that had to jumped but I saw it as being no problem whatsoever. I was ready to take on the challenge. Things were just going to be suspended for about a year or so, no big deal. We had discussed the matter thoroughly and were in agreement on how we would handle matters should something change so life was fantastic. Eight months later the hurdle became an abyss, and that's when I became the smart girl with unrealistic expectations. "He'll call when he gets his birthday present." "It will be different when he gets home." Oh, the list goes on. And for those of you who are wondering, no he wasn't in prison. The last thing he ever said to me was "I'll call you in a few days as soon as I get a chance." After about 3 months I finally accepted the fact that he wasn't going to call and stopped carrying my cell phone with me everywhere I went. But I still held onto the whole "it will be different when he gets home" mantra until I got an apology email from him a year later. I'm not here to bash him. I'm not here to ponder what went wrong. I'm not writing this only to have you all tell me what I know now but refused to see then. I'm writing this to share a little of what I did and how I felt during that very lonely and uncertain time in my life. And yes, I promise that it ties into The Shack.

I will be the first to admit that I have had a pretty easy and very blessed life thus far with only a few not-so-shining periods. This time in my life was definitely one of the rarer dark ones. I took complete responsibility for how things turned out between us and blamed only myself. (I'm really struggling with writing this because I want to make sure that I explain it correctly) Given the circumstances, there was nothing that I could have or would have done differently, yet it was still my fault. So the only "reasonable explanation" was that I had once again done something wrong in my life and things not working out was my punishment from God. Because he (the boy) had made promises to me and he would never break them so my circumstances at the time had to be some kind of punishment for something that I had done wrong somewhere along the way. It was the only thing that made sense.
Do you see a pattern forming? I had construed in my mind this idea that God was withholding the very thing that I wanted the most because of my sins. This could not be more ridiculous. I realize this now. I was raised Baptist...and in case you aren't aware, Baptists are all about the gift of grace. Obviously I had forgotten everything that I had ever been taught about grace and forgiveness through salvation. But this is how I felt and this is what I experienced. And I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way I know. For example, there is a couple in my hometown who lost their 5 month old to SIDS a couple of years ago. To this day, the mother still wonders what it was that she did so wrong in her life for God to take her baby from her as punishment. It's heartbreaking really, but anyone who knows the family and the love that they have for that baby knows that God would have never given them that baby and then taken it so soon as a form of punishment.

It's interesting how human nature makes it easier to think negatively instead of positively. But the truth is, God is not vindictive in the least. Yet we perceive him to be when we are faced with adversity. It's almost as if we feel that surely God must have some hidden agenda. He can't really be that loving and forgiving, can He? Yes, He is and He does love and forgive without making us "pay". I know...it seems too good to be true even for me who accepted this gift of grace when I was 13. But as humans we don't have the capacity to love and forgive without condition like God does. I am now thankful for those single years in college because I feel like God was protecting me from the consequences of some potentially terrible decisions that I would have been very likely to make. It's nice to walk through life without having to drag all kinds of baggage along behind me. And obviously the one who I thought was my ideal is not God's ideal for me or it would've worked out. Hindsight is always 20/20. The whole premises of The Shack is basically what I've written in this paragraph. (not to spoil the ending for anyone or anything...I think that's pretty obvious from reading the back cover and reviews) So even though the wounds from my experience have healed, this book reconfirmed the realizations that I had come to when I was going through the healing process. I couldn't help but to think of those times in my life as I was reading it. I think that the book will speak differently to each person according to his or her circumstances in life. I also learned from the book that I often limit God in what He can do in my life because I have this idea and concept of who He is and what He does. Yet he is so much bigger than the biggest box that I try to put him in and can do so much more than my "incredibly intelligent" mind will ever be able to fully comprehend. What are you people still doing here? Why aren't you on your way to Borders to pick up this book and read it for yourself? Or you can borrow my copy if you ask nicely.

Before I end this though, I have another point to make. (and it kind of ties into the reason why I get on a soapbox in the first place) Did anyone notice what else I did in regards to him? I put all of my faith and all of my trust in a person instead of in God. I put my trust in the promises that he had made to me instead of the ones that God made. Somewhere along the way, my focus and priorities shifted completely and in order for any relationship to work, that cannot happen. In a way, it really wasn't fair to him that I did such a thing because that puts so much pressure on both people. The truth is, we are all human. We will all make mistakes. We will all disappoint the ones we love. We'll say and do things that we will eventually regret. But when God is first in our lives those disappointments aren't so hard to take. Broken trust can be regained. Mistakes can be forgiven. Hearts will heal. With God all things are possible. I have learned many valuable lessons out of my experience. Which supports my belief that God will bring good out of even the most difficult circumstances.

Please forgive my natural propensity towards verbosity. I'll step down from my soapbox now.